hardboiled

down the aisle

by chrissy chung

The idea of marriage evokes many different thoughts and feelings for people, such as “children,” “sex,” “the wedding,” “love and happiness,” “commitment,” and “divorce.” These popular reactions to the institution of marriage depict the expectations of marriage in American society. Young girls and boys raised in America are led to believe that they are destined to find “the one” whom they will marry and love unconditionally. Simply put, marriage revolves around the joy of love. How many romance movies are based on the protagonist discarding all sense of responsibility and rationale to be with the one he or she loves?

In a society where marriage is generally, and sometimes unrealistically, perceived as an outcome of love, where do arranged marriages stand? In many South Asian cultures, the concept of arranged marriages is a norm. In an email interview, Aroma Sharma, the external President of Association of South Asian Political Activists (ASAPA), explains that, “Arranged marriages are not uncommon in the South Asian community. They are to ensure that a person is going into a good family--a family like their own. South Asians consider marriage the union between two families, not individuals. Thus, marriage is not a decision that one individual can make on his or her own.”

From the view of contemporary American women and men, marrying a supposedly “random” person would be out of the ordinary. However, within the South Asian American community, arranged marriages still exist, albeit they are not as common. While being in an arranged marriage is not viewed as a form of oppression among most South Asian Americans, there is a perception that arranged marriages are synonymous to forced marriages. However, this is not always the case because in an arranged marriage, if a man shows interest in a woman, she still has the right to accept or decline the proposal and vice versa. According to an interview in the television news show Art Fennell Reports, Ranjana Kumari, “a prominent activist and… a leading force in the women’s movement in India,” claims that having the parents choose a spouse will likely result in a match most compatible with their child.

UC Berkeley student Shahzeen Humayun, a member of UC Berkeley’s Muslim Student Association (MSA) and Indus, voices her personal thoughts and experience, explaining that “an arranged marriage is part of Desi (Author’s note: The term “Desi” refers to someone with origins from South Asia, particularly India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh and so forth) culture. People perceive it as something you’re forced into, but it’s not like that. The girl has the say to accept or deny a proposal. It’s less common than it used to be because a lot of people have adopted western views, but it still happens, even with American-born girls.” Humayun further elaborates, “The divorce rate is really low for couples who have been married through arrangement. Parents are experienced with being married; they can make a better decision for their children. The idea behind arranged marriages is that love eventually forms and that you can fall in love”

Arranged marriages are dominant in many South Asian cultures; however, families who have roots in America tend to be more lenient when it comes to arranged marriages. Whether it is a question of assimilating or the absence of cultural pressure, it is more common to see South Asian parents allowing their American-born children to marry whomever they wish to be with (as long as the man/woman meets “basic requirements,” whatever those may be). Sharma explains, “…many second generation South Asian Americans are not getting arranged marriages anymore because they find someone they love through their own means. I think it only becomes an issue if the family does not approve. This, however, is no different than getting one’s parents’ blessings, regardless of what culture he or she is from.”

Second-generation South Asian Americans do not necessarily push the possibility of an arranged marriage out of the picture. As Sharma puts it, arranged marriages are “treated more as an extended dating service.” Instead, it is important to acknowledge that an arranged marriage is not usually a tool of oppression. Oftentimes, a woman has the right to choose her future husband; she can accept or reject a proposal depending on her feelings toward the potential groom. According to Sharma, “There’s a huge stereotype of South Asian women as being obedient and faithful--people would not expect women to speak up if they do not agree to something. However, I don’t believe that either party [women and men] is oppressed in arranged marriages (at least in today). If a woman or man does not want to marry the person she or he is introduced to, no one is going to force them. I feel that family has a huge role in our community, so what our family thinks is going to play a big role in any of our lives’ decisions.”