Fung Brothers at UC Berkeley

If you’re a fan of comedy and hip hop, then you’ll love the Fung Brothers! They are some of the most influential YouTubers from the Asian American community, and they are coming to Berkeley on Monday, April 8, at the Multicultural Center from 4-5:30 pm.Come through to hear them speak on their perspective of the relationship between Asian Americans and the black community, as well as the position of Asian Americans in hip hop.

This event is sponsored by the Asian American and Asian Diaspora Studies 20C course and hardboiled newsmagazine. If you have any questions or concerns, please email stevencong253@gmail.com.

I’m an Asian Man and I Refuse to Ever Date Humanity

*note: for the faint of heart, please avert your eyes! By the way, this post has nothing to do with this inflammatory article. Nope. Not at all.

I am an Asian man. I don’t date pathetic mortals. Yep, I’m one of those who just masturbates all day long.

Why? It’s simple: I’m a racist.

Wait, that’s not quite right . . . Why? It’s simple: I’m a misogynist. Nope, still not it. Why? It’s simple: I’m a homophobe . . . nope.

Got it . . .

Why? It’s simple: I’m a misanthrope.

Yep, I said it.

Guess what? I’m not alone. Male Asian douchebags like me roam the UC Berkeley campus all the time. We are everywhere (and no where) at the same time. You know that bro swaggerin’ his Haas backpack on Sproul Plaza? Yeah, that’s me. You know that EECS major who just can’t stop talking about how hard his classes are? That’s me too. We’re the jerks on campus that make fun of your funny little liberal arts majors. “Humanities? You mean humani-tities!” Most importantly, we refuse to display any emotional empathy, sexual desires, or what you humans call “altruistic behavior.”

This trend has nothing to do with humans possessing organic, carbon based skins. It has something to do with our God-given misogynistic nature mixed with the fact we are scientifically incapable of sustaining a long-term (and short-term and medium-term) sexual relationship with other humans. Apparently this innate patriarchy has turned off quite a many Asian and non-Asian women (and men for that matter). We would rather spend quality time with our math textbooks than stinky humans. How else are Asian men going to complete our goal of world domination?

Look Mommy, I'm a stereotype!

So fuck sexual procreation. I’m waiting for technology to evolve so that I can use a surrogate mother to carry my clone child.

I was born in Beijing to Mao Zedong’s illegitimate son, whose sperm was frozen for decades and then secretly implanted in the womb of a female triage surgeon of the People’s Liberation Army. My parents would want nothing less of me than to exceed brilliantly in America in the name of our Great Leader Who Has Gloriously Left This Flesh-Bound World. 毛泽东万岁! Make shitloads of money. Get multiple advanced degrees from Capitalist universities. Don’t let sexual desires get in the way of our personal interests!  *note: offspring of the Chinese Politburo are actually doing some of these things. 

So what are we Asian gentlemen to do if we are not able to mingle with the rest of the population? In the words of the great philosopher Ayn Rand: “To say ‘I love you,’ one must know how to say the ‘I’.” What greater way to love yourself than to fuck yourself? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I speak of masturbation. I say, why share your rational self-interest to love one’s self with anyone else? Simply purchase a box of tissues, some scented candles, perhaps a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon, and jerk yourself off to the piles of money you’ll make after you graduate.

Perhaps you still prefer the feeling of another on your nether regions. Would you consider a purchase of a flesh-light? All the sensation of a human being without physical and emotional weight!

Maybe you would like your non-existent partner to be more organic but not quite sentient. Bestiality has been a frequent option for hermits, misanthropes, and general rural folk for much of human history. They say the genitals of a dolphin are actually quite similar to that a human. However, I do not recommend such an option since having sex with a dolphin may induce death by drowning. If you are adventurous, you may want to enjoy coital union with a mare, but beware of the fate of Catherine the Great of Imperial Russia! The best option of mount is a sheep, which has been the favorite of both Welshmen and Kiwis. The vaginal area of a sheep is similar to a human’s, and sheep have a long history of domestication. Do be aware of laws governing your state. Fucking a sheep is a misdemeanor in the state of California, and is punishable by up to 6 months in jail.

For those gentlemen wanting an organic specimen on your phallus without the hassle of living person, try a dead one instead. Necrophilia, a victimless taboo, may fulfill some of your sexual (and ever so strange) desires. If you’re the type of gentleman that wants to wake up to a body in the morning without it breathing, necrophilia maybe perfect for you! However, do be cautious of potential infections, diseases, and fungi that may have developed since the person’s passing.

So as long as Asian men are considered inferior by the general consensus of humanity, including other Asian women, to males of different racial backgrounds due our “patriarchal” nature, our emasculated forms, or our “Asian virtues,” I’ll be pounding the chicken and shagging a sheep, thank you very much.

So here it is: I am a misanthrope. I’d rather not be. But for now, I will not and will never date  one of my “people” . . . scratch that, I will not date people. Pathetic Earthlings!

P.S The Asian American community is very susceptible to trolling. 

hardboiled goes to the movies! Part 1: Ted

Last weekend I saw Ted with some bros back home at the mall. Let’s start with a facepalm.

*facepalm*

Seth MacFarlane. What can I say? I kind of expected this from the creator of Family Guy. He does try to brand himself as an equal opportunity offender, but sometimes you wonder if he’s a douchebag himself. I mean, it’s fine for me to have one your characters, even a sympathetic one, to be a misogynistic, racist, anti-Semitic asshole. Some of the greatest characters in American film and literature are racist, misogynistic, anti-Semitic assholes (Jason Compson, I’m lookin’ at you). These are commentary on human characteristics, not a commentary on reality. But sometimes, you question artistic license and ask “Is he just being a cock?”

Huzzah! Seth MacFarlane, you have pulled a Breakfast at Tiffany’s . You know, when an stereotypical Asian neighbor bursts out of no where to complain in broken English about the noise next door? Yeah, some Chinese guys enters the scene with a butcher knife and a goose. And Flash Gordon mistakes him to be Emperor Ming the Merciless and wrestles him to the ground. Classy, Seth, classy. But does he really need to have a portrait of Mao Zedong in the background?! Seriously? I’ve searched for a portrait of Mao in my house, but I couldn’t find one. Maybe I used it to wipe my ass. Look on the bright side: at least it wasn’t a portrait of Ho Chi Minh. 

I’ve got a good tolerance for this kind of stuff, but in the words of Slate Magazine:

Also typical: the sour mean-spiritedness at the heart of so much of [Seth's] humor. The Jewish jokes cited above work because they’re really jokes about anti-Semitism. But when an Asian man bursts through the wall at a party brandishing a duck and a meat cleaver and says things like “This is my home long time” and “I try to make duck dinner,” it’s not a joke about racism. It’s just racism. 

Ja, We Are De SUPER DUPER SUPERMEN!!! -or- Pew Research Center . . . lol

The Pew Research Center has developed *gasp* startling new conclusions on Asian Americans!!! Something about Asian Americans being better educated, wealthier, more likely to integrate, blah blah blah blah blah.

To give the Pew report some credit, they are generally pretty thorough and professional  at creating the survey and gathering the data. Except for the fact that many Asian American subgroups, including half a million Hmong, have spontaneously combusted, the survey did manage to reach about 3,500 Asian Americans, with more than 500 devoted to each of the six subgroup (Chinese, Indian, Filipino, Japanese, Vietnamese, Korean). Moreover, the survey did have a plethora of questions and responses so when in doubt, always go back to examine the raw data.

However, the Pew report and many others have concluded that Asian Americans are some type of high-achieving, wealthy, cybernetic, adamantium-boned super duper supermen!!!

JA, WE ARE DIE ÜBERMENSCH!!!! ACHTUNG!!!

Der face of die Asian Superman

From the report, bloggers have concluded that Asian are quote “the superior race.” The report says that Asians are more wealthy than every other race. This is not true given the fact that Pew (and other researchers) have used median household income to calculate wealth. This doesn’t exactly work because Asian families tend to have more income earners. In addition, Asian tend to live on the coasts where the cost of living, and therefore wages, are generally higher. Plus, factors like the “bamboo ceiling” may prevent very high incomes among Asian Americans, which can’t be represented through median household income.

The Asian Americans being happier with themselves and the state of the nation may not be true. Remember, Asian Americans live in places like the Silicon Valley and New York where the satisfaction with how the country is going and their own lives is better than the American Heartland. If Asians started to congregate on Youngstown, Ohio, the answers maybe different. Moreover, satisfaction with how the nation is doing might be linked to the fact that Asian lean democrat and we have a Barack Obama in office, which is illustrated by Obama’s approval by Asians as stated in the same report. In addition, the report fails to state mental health issues within the Asian American community, like the fact that young Asian American women have the highest rates of depression.

The study explicitly wanted to test the Amy Chua hypothesis if Asians or “Americans” place too much to succeed academically. The study found that more than half of BOTH Asian Americans and “Americans” think that “Americans” put not enough pressure for their kids to succeed academically and only 10% thought they put too much pressure. However, 40% of Asian Americans thought that people in their respective ethnic groups place too much pressure on education (although only 20% of Filipinos and Japanese thought their ethnic group placed too much pressure on education). However, what this tells ME is that Asian Americans are self-aware about how much pressure they are putting on children academically, and in the future, parents and future parents will lessen this pressure and allow children to cultivate other aspects of their lives.

In addition, academic success doesn’t always mean success in the long run. Many in the Silicon Valley are starting to question the value of academic success, including Peter Thiel, who is offering $100,000 in grant money for DROPPING OUT OF COLLEGE. After discussing this topic with industry professionals at a local corporate event, they agree with Peter Thiel, that young men and women should start applying what they learn as soon as possible. Although I don’t fully agree with this sentiment, it does highlight the limitations of formal education.

The study also glanced over “other Asians.” They did mention that “other Asians” had a poverty rate of 17%, much higher than overall populace, but failed to delve into the topic as they did with the success of other Asian subgroups.

There were some other really interesting data within the survey results which the report glanced over. Like Asian Americans are more willing to have bigger government with more services. This maybe because Asian Americans generally lean towards the left, or the fact that Asian Americans do rely on, if not welfare services, than government services in general. This goes against the Horatio Alger, “bring’em up by the bootstrap” rhetoric of the report.

Contrary to what the report says, apparently Asians like to have fun too! 57% of Asian Americans think free time as a very important or one of the most important aspect of their lives, compared to 53% of the general population. By far, Koreans actually are the most likely to place emphasis on free time [insert Starcraft joke here].

The cherry on top is this sentence from the report:

When newly minted medical school graduate Priscilla Chan married Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg last month, she joined the 37% of all recent Asian American brides who wed a non-Asian groom.

I think I shat myself when I read that.

Priscilla Chan . . . LoL.

So Pew Research Center, please review your data and erase your preconceived stereotypes before you conclude that Asian Americans are some kind of superior, super duper duper race, ja? Danke.

Honda’s Really Big Sale! (With Chinese Folks)

My first perception is why did they have to have the Chinese couple speak Mandarin Chinese instead of speaking non-accented English? Is Honda trying to accentuate the couple’s foreignness by having them speak Chinese in front of the White salesman, whom they thought to exclude with their “exotic tongue?”

Then again, I speak Chinese with my dad during sales and negotiations. A foreign language offers an easy “code” to communicate with people on your side while keeping the other side in the dark.  A future landlord shouldn’t know  what we REALLY thought of the apartment, nor should the used car salesman know how much we loved that Accord because we don’t want to offer up THAT much money. 我真的不喜欢写网络文章。See, you had no idea what I just said! Wait, you did? How embarrassing…

All of the actors spoke decent Chinese and English. It seems like English and Chinese were native to the couple, and thankfully, the commercial didn’t force them to accent their English (that would also be quite embarrassing). And the non-Chinese salesman spoke decent Chinese. Not quite Professor Andrew Jones but  much better than the cast of Firefly.

What do you guys think of this commercial? Does it alienate Chinese-Americans or does it seem refreshingly accurate and authentic?