*note: for the faint of heart, please avert your eyes! By the way, this post has nothing to do with this inflammatory article. Nope. Not at all.
I am an Asian man. I don’t date pathetic mortals. Yep, I’m one of those who just masturbates all day long.
Why? It’s simple: I’m a racist.
Wait, that’s not quite right . . . Why? It’s simple: I’m a misogynist. Nope, still not it. Why? It’s simple: I’m a homophobe . . . nope.
Got it . . .
Why? It’s simple: I’m a misanthrope.
Yep, I said it.
Guess what? I’m not alone. Male Asian douchebags like me roam the UC Berkeley campus all the time. We are everywhere (and no where) at the same time. You know that bro swaggerin’ his Haas backpack on Sproul Plaza? Yeah, that’s me. You know that EECS major who just can’t stop talking about how hard his classes are? That’s me too. We’re the jerks on campus that make fun of your funny little liberal arts majors. “Humanities? You mean humani-tities!” Most importantly, we refuse to display any emotional empathy, sexual desires, or what you humans call “altruistic behavior.”
This trend has nothing to do with humans possessing organic, carbon based skins. It has something to do with our God-given misogynistic nature mixed with the fact we are scientifically incapable of sustaining a long-term (and short-term and medium-term) sexual relationship with other humans. Apparently this innate patriarchy has turned off quite a many Asian and non-Asian women (and men for that matter). We would rather spend quality time with our math textbooks than stinky humans. How else are Asian men going to complete our goal of world domination?
So fuck sexual procreation. I’m waiting for technology to evolve so that I can use a surrogate mother to carry my clone child.
I was born in Beijing to Mao Zedong’s illegitimate son, whose sperm was frozen for decades and then secretly implanted in the womb of a female triage surgeon of the People’s Liberation Army. My parents would want nothing less of me than to exceed brilliantly in America in the name of our Great Leader Who Has Gloriously Left This Flesh-Bound World. 毛泽东万岁！ Make shitloads of money. Get multiple advanced degrees from Capitalist universities. Don’t let sexual desires get in the way of our personal interests! *note: offspring of the Chinese Politburo are actually doing some of these things.
So what are we Asian gentlemen to do if we are not able to mingle with the rest of the population? In the words of the great philosopher Ayn Rand: “To say ‘I love you,’ one must know how to say the ‘I’.” What greater way to love yourself than to fuck yourself? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I speak of masturbation. I say, why share your rational self-interest to love one’s self with anyone else? Simply purchase a box of tissues, some scented candles, perhaps a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon, and jerk yourself off to the piles of money you’ll make after you graduate.
Perhaps you still prefer the feeling of another on your nether regions. Would you consider a purchase of a flesh-light? All the sensation of a human being without physical and emotional weight!
Maybe you would like your non-existent partner to be more organic but not quite sentient. Bestiality has been a frequent option for hermits, misanthropes, and general rural folk for much of human history. They say the genitals of a dolphin are actually quite similar to that a human. However, I do not recommend such an option since having sex with a dolphin may induce death by drowning. If you are adventurous, you may want to enjoy coital union with a mare, but beware of the fate of Catherine the Great of Imperial Russia! The best option of mount is a sheep, which has been the favorite of both Welshmen and Kiwis. The vaginal area of a sheep is similar to a human’s, and sheep have a long history of domestication. Do be aware of laws governing your state. Fucking a sheep is a misdemeanor in the state of California, and is punishable by up to 6 months in jail.
For those gentlemen wanting an organic specimen on your phallus without the hassle of living person, try a dead one instead. Necrophilia, a victimless taboo, may fulfill some of your sexual (and ever so strange) desires. If you’re the type of gentleman that wants to wake up to a body in the morning without it breathing, necrophilia maybe perfect for you! However, do be cautious of potential infections, diseases, and fungi that may have developed since the person’s passing.
So as long as Asian men are considered inferior by the general consensus of humanity, including other Asian women, to males of different racial backgrounds due our “patriarchal” nature, our emasculated forms, or our “Asian virtues,” I’ll be pounding the chicken and shagging a sheep, thank you very much.
So here it is: I am a misanthrope. I’d rather not be. But for now, I will not and will never date one of my “people” . . . scratch that, I will not date people. Pathetic Earthlings!